A Journey and a Half

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Gorth
Posts: 161
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2021 11:53 am
Location: United States

A Journey and a Half

Post by Gorth » Mon Aug 08, 2022 6:05 pm

I didn't write down when I made Maya (I wish I had). But I've played her ever since I started playing COGG, about eight months or so. The ups and the downs, the love and the hate, the betrayal and support. It's all bled together into one so far unforgettable experience that I can never stop thanking you all for.

I made a lot of mistakes, when I started playing Maya, some mistakes that people like to call out, whether they think it's subtle or not. Half the time I'm justifiably anoyed by it, half the time I appreciate being reminded not to be a disrespectful idiot. I'm talking on the OOC level, but I won't dig into the specifics. Needless to say, this was my first RP mud that I actually understood the significance of, but I still misunderstood how my actions at the start (mostly stupid jokes, or playing up stereotypes because I just shrugged off any possible sideaffects) might affect the character at a later date. I'd like to think I've repaired the footing, at this point, at least for the most part.

There have been mistakes in character, too. Murdering a friend, subsequently threatening another right after. Which resulted in being outlawed for four months. And oh god, what a trying time that was. Four months, where the first month or so I was all chomping at the bit for the new and interesting RP. Everything was great and interesting, and people were paying attention to me! I've always been fine playing an antagonist. I never had that image for Maya, but I also didn't have much of an image for her up until a few months ago (which was the biggest mistake, I think. As it informed all of the other situations to do whatever they wanted).
Anyway, that first month or so was fun. I had support from a few people, people weren't quite as wary of me as I wished they had been, but overall, I was enjoying the new spin on things. And then..it stopped. Two months in and it just flattened out and died, and I was left not knowing how to proceed, because up until then I hadn't had to make my own RP. It had all been given to me, started by other players who let me tag along behind. And I hung on in this unfamiliar time, as people in general stopped caring. I continued doing my thing, killing Liberi, raising money for a warhorse, engaging in the odd bit of RP here and there, but I don't think even then I had the iron in me to really push for one big extreme, which would have probably broken the spell.
See, along this time was when I was starting to realize that the faction split was a thing I should care about. I should figure out where Maya wanted to go. So I did. I made a choice, and I stuck to it. ANd then...I realized that I just probably wouldn't enjoy the way Maya would have to change if she went there. And so I changed my mind. But the problem was, to go to the other place, I'd basically be going against a majority of the players who even bothered to give me RP. Which, you know, was alright, but as stated, I didn't know how to make my own RP with other people. Hell, that whole situation was just me not knowing things, being to contemplative and slow on the uptake to make a decision and stick to it, because every time I settled, my brain would spin off on the tangent of, 'But this will go wrong, and you won't enjoy this as much as you could if..."
Three months, the last month of my exile. Now I was just tired. I had gotten really into Maya's mindset lately, likely as a result of having so much free time to sink into this game. And Maya was beat down, and anoyed by the world, and done with it all, so so was I. I had been getting good RP lately, RP I had made myself. But then it just stopped again. Like clockwork, I'd make progress and then just flatline and be left overthinking everything and trying to find things to fill my meaningless time out in the wilderness, because I couldn't give up. Because I talked about Maya so much to people, and so many people seemed to respect me for the iron I'd showed keeping her going out away from town. And I couldn't give up, because god I loved this character so much. And I still do.
Near the last week or so of exile, I had actually told people I was done. The tiredness one out, I was tired of seeing all of these RP opportunities flow past me, and on a more personal level, I was not in the best of places. I let a game affect me emotionally, and it made me actually somewhat sad in real life. It was mostly just a reaction to all of the time and emotional effert I'd put into the character, I think. But none the less I gave it a hard ten days until I shelved her. And then ten days came and I got to the conformation of shelving and couldn't do it. So I waited a day, said I would give it five more. Had an EMail drafted up to Rias asking if I could get any words on the plans for Maya because my god I was so tired of it. And then the next day, I get let back in.

And it was not as good as I hoped. I don't mean to say it was bad at all. I have amazing RP come from it, I met great people, and I made progress on her story. It was refreshing for a time, and I feel like I definitely got out of that feeling of being helpless on a half run rollercoaster. And then it bottomed out again.
I finally did it. I forced myself to shelve, and it litterally made me cry. Writing up this post almost did, too. I paint it as if this has been hell, but really it's been the opposite. I've learned roleplay skills, experienced amazing things and had some of the best conversation I've had in years. I'd go as far as to say I've learned life lessons from all of this. I'd say I'm a much more patient person. I've learned the value of forethought and information and most of all, knowing when you can't continue something and taking a break.
And that's the beauty of it. I'm taking a break. She's shelved, now, and I did it without fanfair or doing something crazy. She's just, going to live in the town she died a little inside to get back into. And that's fine with me. Because I wasn't doing anything with her, just sitting around again, and as soon as I saw myself sitting on a bench, desperately waiting for someone to walk by and talk to me, and then feeling like shit when they didn't, I knew i was repeating myself. I knew nothing good could come of it.

I don't have much of a point, I think. I just felt the need to write how much of an affect you all have had on me and my character and how much I love you all. Maya is still in town. She's not off in the forest. She got a job. She locked up her weapons, took off her pendant and is just going to be the opposite of an adventurer for a while. Because there's such a thing as too much.

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Inch Towards Daylight.
Blue on black—tears on a river, push on a shove—it don't mean much
Joker on jack—match on a fire, cold on ice—a dead man's touch
Whisper on a scream—never change a thing, doesn't bring you back
It's like blue on black

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